The Tea Party


The place was called Union Jane’s despite a Union Jack flag hung outside in arbitrary defiance of the American Revolution. The interior was a busy menagerie of color and texture. Bookshelves lined every wall. Bric-a-brac and tchotchkes were prevalent throughout the establishment. Pink lingerie hung from moose antlers above her. A yellow parasol was spread open, attached to the rafters from the handle, on the other side of the room.

Tegan Taylor was sitting in a giant, overstuffed chair. She had a permanent sad girl pout. She wore chunky, black rimmed glasses. She wore a prom-style gown with tights and heels. Her grandmother’s pearls were strung around her neck. Tegan chewed on an antique pipe. A tattooed mustache peaked out from the inside of her pointer finger. A class ring from St. Mary’s College caught the sunlight whenever anyone walked in the front door.

“You can’t smoke in here.”

“It’s not lit.”

“Ma’am, you cannot smoke in here.”

“It’s not lit.”

“Can you please put it away, ma’am?”


“You’re making people uneasy.”

“I’m not an easy kinda girl.”

The waitress stood there, not knowing how to take this customer. She was clearly a little odd. Without saying all of the unprofessional things on her mind, the waitress left in a huff of attitude and frustration.

“Tegan, why are you harassing with the new girl?”

“She deserved it. Dude, she was being a surly twat.”

“Will you please not talk like that?”

“What’s the matter, Ian? You afraid I’ll shatter your romantic fantasies of what a lady should be?”

“I know who you are. You don’t always have to go ‘full Tegan’ on people.”

“I’m offended by the insinuation that such a thing exists, besides, I did no such thing. I wasn’t even mean to her. I was neutral at worst.”

Ian grew frustrated with Tegan, there was no winning in these conversations. He changed the subject to something less antagonistic.

“How’s Matt doing? I haven’t seen him in awhile.”

“I left him.”

“What? Are you kidding me?”

“Nope. Why would I joke about that?”

“I don’t know. I mean…why? Why now? You guys were together forever.”

“Yup, 10 years.”

“I don’t mean to pry, but why?”

“I got tired. He got lazy. I came home the other night to him playing video games. I tried to talk to him. He snapped and said some horrible things to me.”

“That sucks.”

“I just don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Do what?”

“I don’t want to compete with video games and his stupid friends.”

“It’s his loss, but ya know, I used to be one of his stupid friends.”

“I know, but then you got smart.” Tegan patted him on his cheek in a patronizing way.

“You can be heartless, ya know that?”

“I know, but I’m still one of the good girls.”

“Anyway, how have you been?”

“Have you ever thought of calling the place ‘Alice’s Tea Fetish’?”

Ian got up and walked away. He hated it when Tegan became combative.

“Can you at least have your tea wench bring me another cup?” She leaned over the top of the chair and hollered. Her smirk faded.

The rain continued to come down. She watched it fall for awhile before gathering up her notebooks. Tegan didn’t believe in umbrellas or raincoats. She walked out into the dreary day, just as she was. 


I See You’re Feeling Sassy


I see you’re feeling sassy
Now it is time for you to kneel
Pour us another cup of tea, Dear
Your lace details for me to feel
There’s a swing to your strut
Moments of electric bliss to share
Finding pleasure within serving
Another tea party in our underwear

You Have Your Notions Of Me

You have your notions of me
Whether it’s my rugged good looks
Or I’m a notorious scalawag
But neither a hero or a crook
I’m not a man of much persuasion
Nor am I a wild west outlaw
I choose to wear the eyepatch
But I’m more of a gentleman with flaws

I write fast & love slow
Without a care of what they say about me
When you have faith
You never have to wait & see

I quietly find my secrets within
Descended from that beautiful literary brogue
To hell with the naysayers; we’re gonna have fun
I’ll be your host tonight, the swashunbuckling rogue
Many out there won’t warm to my charm
Not their cup of tea or simply they’ve no style
But you of good taste & reknown class
Come share a spot with the one with the mischievous smile